Loss & Grief

I very recently wrote this out and shared it in a Facebook group I’m in for loss and grief. I am not normally the open up and expose myself type admittedly. Inspiration had just hit me hard the other day to write this out and share it on that group, then again on my personal timeline. I don’t know why, but I keep coming to the conclusion I should share this here as well. So here we go…

A copy and paste of the original post from group. (* indicates name change)

It happened about a week ago…

I heard her voice. My alarm had just gone off and I was lying there having just pressed the snooze button for the second or third time. Curled up under my blankets; my cat, her cat, started pawing me for attention and food. A few little meows to further attempt to rouse me as I felt his paw gently pat the side of my head. I wanted to just sleep in a little longer. For in that moment I had no desire to get up and face any part of the world yet. Then I heard it.

*“Jane.”

It was like a whisper in the air, but it was clear and so distinctly her voice. My eyes shot open and of course she wasn’t there. She’s never going to be there again for real. Logic tells me this, but my heart and soul can still feel my mother close to me in these brief encounters. Another wondrous moment where I question if she is reaching out to let me know that she is okay, or that she’s still with me. Or maybe I’m just slowly losing my mind so bereft with the grief in losing her.

Well over a year ago now she passed away right before my eyes. Despite it having been a long battle, actual years of watching her health deteriorate, I wasn’t prepared. I work in health care as a CNA and Medication Aide and I still wasn’t prepared, despite how many times I’ve walked other people through this process. Despite how many times I’ve witnessed other people in their final days.

I don’t think anyone can be prepared when it comes to such loss of their own. I’ve learned so far on my journey since her passing that grief is messy. So damn messy. I have moments still where I am totally taken aback that it happened. Moments where I am in full denial she’s gone as I try to pretend for a moment she’s just in the hospital again and that’s why she’s not home with me. I have moments of anger over even the most insignificant situations that happened years and years ago.

I know I don’t post on this group, maybe once or twice before this. I admit it’s not always easy for me to be open about a moment of missing my mom. She was more than my mother though, she was a best friend. Someone I could confide in and roll my eyes at when she gave me advice I wasn’t going to use. I took care of her in those last six years of her life. We had our routines and we adjusted them as need be to her needs as they increased. I wouldn’t trade that time I had with her for anything to be honest. Despite the hardships we faced and how difficult it really got towards the end especially.

I love her always and in these moments, I embrace knowing she loves me too. I’m not asking permission to believe what I do about any sort of after or spiritual life. We each take our path with that. But I do believe she’s still with me in ways and she sort of checks in. Be it a random appearance in a dream, the feel of her presence, the scent of her occurring out of nowhere, or even in those moments where I get to hear her voice even just in the tiniest of whispers. Whether she is letting me know she’s okay or that I will be, I am so grateful for those moments.

I got to be honest. As mentioned, I don’t normally open up like, but something just sort of hit and pushed me. I mean I was working and nowhere near the thoughts of my mom or grief, yet everything just sort of came to a halt as I had to write this out. So here it is, for whatever reason it needs to be put down and out into the world.

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